Cancer!

August 24, 2017
An MRI was done this morning and the results were not good. The doctor later came into the room and said that his team went over the results and there is a tumor in her pancreas thats blocking her bile duct. He shared with us that his team suspected that it was cancerous. What a eye opener this news was. Hit us like a freight train. He explained that they’d put in a stent, later that day, to open up the gallbladder duct, to relieve the pressure. They would take brushings of it while performing the procedure.

The doctor was very straight to the point and immediately after hearing the news a nurse closed the curtain separating her bed from the patients bed next to her. We couldn’t believe we actually heard the news we heard. Pancreas cancer? There must be a mistake. We each shed tears and tried to make sense of all of it. This was a long way from suspected gallstones causing the problems. We were shell shocked. Her sister Lori came into the room and knew something was wrong when she seen the curtains closed around the bed. When she came in we explained what the doctor said, and I knew it was important that the two spent sometime alone. I took a walk outside in a daze. It was too much coming in at one time. You have got to be kidding me I thought. Pancreas cancer! No, it wasn’t, but yes it really was. As I walked outside the hospital the tears just flowed. I cared little who saw. I knew that she and her sister were experiencing grief and disbelief. When I walked back into the room their faces showed it. Everyone looked exhausted and spent.

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Later in the day they took her into surgery and placed a plastic stent into the area they said. The doctor took brushings from the tumor at the same time, to confirm his diagnoses. The procedure lasted about a half hour. She was sleeping when they wheeled the bed into the recovery room. I took my finger and slowly rubbed the side of her temple as she slept. Slowly she awoke and became more aware of her surroundings. The doctor came in and confirmed that the tumor was about the size of a walnut to plum in diameter. He could give no prognosis until other tests were done.

She eventually was transferred back to her room and we talked about the battle ahead. Her attitude was positive. She said that she was a battler and would kick its butt. It was important to keep a positive attitude and she and Lori tried to put on a brave face. When Lori left Bobbi and I continued to remain as positive as we could. When visiting hours ended it was back to the hotel. I called Shay and Sean and shared the terrible news. They were the most difficult calls ever made. I called my sister Charlie in Colorado as well. I couldn’t believe how everything changes in seconds. I stayed up until late in the night, looking out the motel window in a daze. Traffic and cars continued to pass on the street. The world just kept going, people going on with their lives, and we were wondering what ours now would bring. I eventually fell asleep on top of the bed, not drawing down the blankets or changing. I couldn’t imagine what was going on in her mind. She was a nurse for the last 40 years, recently retiring a year and a half ago. The last 5 years caregiving me, during my cardiac battle, and my  palliative care. It seemed so unfair. Anger, disbelief, shock, grief, all mixed into one feeling. Rage.

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