The Dark Of Night

October 9, 2017
Yesterday was another rough day. It’s Monday, about 3 :00am in the morning and I’ve staying up all night to watch over things. On Sunday morning she got up early, dressed, and was tired walking across the room. Her scalp hurt, skin, mouth. Hair continues to comb out in clumps. Her mood was very down and emotional. I went to the store and got a few scarves and flowers. It picked her mood up some but the day continued to be tough. We sat outside for about 30 minutes and even the sun caused pain on her skin. All the areas where new cells are constantly being made are effected by chemo. The medicine kills cancer cells but also kills good cells that reproduce naturally each day. The pain in her pancreas is not the chemo but the tumor. So the battle was taking place at different spots and different times. Her brother Steve and his wife Debbie were in town, texted to see if she was up for a visit but shared she was whipped out for company. They understood. We watched the Lions play but really didn’t follow it much. She tried to stay awake so she’d be able to sleep tonight.

I had a feeling that her night wouldn’t go well so laid down for an hour about 2:00. Sure enough, it didn’t go well. She went to bed about 9:00 but was up at around 9:30 balled up in severe pain. It was like a 15 on a scale of 1 to 10. No matter what she did it wouldn’t let up. I kept switching hot water bottles for cold. One minute she’d be burning up and the next minute chilled. Her temperature was bouncing all over the place. Tried help with massages, laying with her, providing fresh towels, but Twisty has a mind of its own. After about an hour she fell asleep exhausted. It’s presently about 3:15 in the morning and I just checked on her to see if she had a fever. She was sleeping soundly but temps still high.465EFA25-8C63-4F9B-BB43-FA3CFA22CA2F

What an ordeal. She has a week off from treatments but we may be going to Petoskey anyways to see the doctors. It’s close to a couple hour ride. The pain is just too much. Will be calling again when their office opens to find out. We knew this battle would be difficult, but had no clue what to expect. We are hoping that after the whipple surgery the painful episodes will subside, though pretty sure the 4 months of chemo will still leave her with fatigue and such. At least the tumor will be out, no longer pushing on the surrounding nerves and organs. We’ll learn more about this within the next 5 weeks. Hopefully the chemo is shrinking the tumor so they can safely get to it. It’s pushed against her portal veins so is too risky to attempt right now.

Have no clue what to expect today. The longer she stays asleep the better. At least she is not experiencing these problems then. I know she’ll will beat this but it’s hell watching her go through it.

So many thoughts and concerns going on at one time. There will be better days but at the time it’s like one boxing round after another. Each one leaving a toll. Her weight is slipping because she has no desire to eat, though is because she knows how important it is to be healthy enough to endure the major surgery. A whipple surgery is very complicated, which will be explained later. It’ll take place in Grand Rapids. For today we’ll just take it moment by moment until the darkness of the evening comes.

At about 11:00 her Doctor in Petoskey said to get her in the ER here in the Soo. We checked in, now she has her pain under control and a CAT scan is next. Will know more soon. She wasn’t too thrilled to come here but enough was enough. Could not sit back and watch her suffer. Bobbi’s the type to bite the bullet but in a situation like this it isn’t something to be messed with.

Doctor just came in and explained that the CAT scan shows that the stent they put in her bile duct became dislodged and she’ll be transported to Petoskey by ambulance to have it fixed today. Knew that something was going on. At least it’s not a new mass or tumor! We can handle this one. It’s what it isn’t that provides the relief. Serious but she’ll probably be back home tomorrow. Time to pack the bags and meet the ambulance down there. Thank you for the concern. Onward with the battle.

9 thoughts on “The Dark Of Night

  1. I so wish this journey was easier for you both. Definitely seek better pain management. You both need strength and rest for the long haul. Been there done that with Hubby – it’s hell but you will win this battle. My bet is on you both!!
    Much love and prayers are being sent your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs to both of you; Mike for being Bobbi’s rock 24/7, she loves you so much. I worry about both of you, praying that there is adequate pain control for Bobbi so both of you can get the much needed rest for your journey yet to come. Love to both of you. Toby

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hurts my heart to hear this as you endure the destroying of twisty. He is throwing as hissy fit as he attempts to have the upper hand over you. Won’t work as you are the warrior and fighter. Bye, bye and good riddance to him! I’m praying for both of you. I hope you can feel my love and hugs.
    Mike you need rest too. Please dont feel you can’t ask for help. I so wish I lived closer….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t know if this anecdote will help, but thru the tears it is all I have beside love and prayers.

    When my husband met with his oncology team right before the start of everything, his wonderfully honest oncologist sat us down and said: “Look. You have to know this. Chemotherapy is vicious and painful. Essentially it delivers the patient to death’s door, and as doctors, we hope we can snatch you back into life without you crossing that threshold. Chemo is a destructive poison that serves the function we need…killing the cancer cells….but it also kills everything else in its path. It is hideous and seemingly intolerable, but it is necessary in order for you to have a chance at life.”

    Jim was onboard with the plan; I knew I had to be also. Watching someone you love suffer to live is such a painful experience. It forever altered our lives…Jim’s, mine, our 2 teenage kids. And yes, there is life after chemo; not the same life, but life nonetheless. There will be good snatches of time, and there will be God-awful times.

    Hug Bobbi for me. I am coming up to the Soo for a couple days in mid November. I hope to be able to hug her myself then. Much love for you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bobbi, you’ve always been an inspiration to me as far back as I can remember. I still remember you riding your Harley and coming to the gas station where I worked at the time and me thinking “God, I want to be like her.” You have taught me so much about life in the past 20 years of working together and I feel incredibly blessed that I can call you “friend”. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and pray for your recovery. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything was going to be fine but we both know that’s just not the way it works. I’m sorry you have to go through so much pain & suffering right now. You are a fighter and you will beat this! You have a lot of people pulling for you!
    Love you much! Mike, thank you for keeping us up to date with everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am overwhelmed w the beautiful writing that you and Mike are doing. I feel myself w you Bobbi holding your hand and giving you big hug. I wish i could help you but i know you have God on your side. I will continue to pray for you and your family. We will be dancing when you are all well. Love u both

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Prayers going strong for both of you, mike you need to take care of yourself also you both need strength to fight this give Bobbie a hug from me love to you both thank you for sharing this journey with us ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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