The Dark

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The most difficult part of the day are the dark hours of the night. With daylight saving falling back an hour it’s getting darker earlier. Something doesn’t feel right. It’s like in the Netflix series ‘Stranger Things’ when reality flash’s scenes of a dark and twisted landscape. Fear is the emotion that wants to become the dominant one. We often fear what we can’t see, with the CAT scan coming up it’s like this. You have to though. You hope for positive news. But at the same time, when lightning flashes for just a second, you can see things you don’t want to see. When photographing storms things looked so different when a flash of light lit up the sky. A blue hue, ugly clouds, wind thrashing and beating the landscape.

It feels like the wind is starting up again with the darkness. Getting up earlier. This morning it was 3:15. You want to stay positive but it’s hard to turn a mood around. Yesterday was rough. She dealt with nausea and pain in the evening. She said yesterday that it felt like she was rotting away. Broke my heart to hear. I quickly said no, we are going to beat this. She seems more distant and into deeper thoughts. I know it’s important to take the time to touch. I think cancer try’s to make a person feel they are unattractive and others don’t want to touch them. I’m going to make a point to change this. Nobody should ever feel that they are unworthy of being loved or held. The emotional battles are as tough as the physical ones. At least medications can help the physical ones. Theres no pills for the emotional ones except touch and love.

I can’t image what she is thinking about. I can relate with wondering if my own eyes would open when hooked up to IV’s and wires attached to my chest. But this is different. You never really come to peace with the thought. You just know that you’re thinking is messed up. Think positive, think positive, think positive… yet the lightning keeps striking. Pain, replaces the thunder. As a kid I use to count the seconds when thunder would come after lightning. Now I clinch my teeth. When she is getting sick their clinched with frustration and anger at things I cannot see. Today her blood work for Thursday will be taken.

I don’t like seeing the changes that Bobbi is going through. The physical changes rip at my heart. I see her silently struggling to grasp all of it. Joy is something we need to find, somehow, someway. Hope isn’t just a nice sounding word or belief tossed around, it comes from desperation and fear gives birth to it. There is a price to really feel that word, and doesn’t come cheaply. Oh, we can hope for warm days, or children hope for certain Christmas gifts, but this is another type of hope.

Fear of the unknown never bothered me before. Those days are long gone. Maybe it’s the darkest time inside the cocoon right now. Spring will arrive and like the new life that sprouts out the soil this will be a battle defeated. Hope… not something to be gambled on.

Hope and Rage

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It’s early Monday morning, about 1:00am, unable to sleep. Too many thoughts bouncing around the brain, and moving clocks back an hour always messes with me. No blood work for Bobbi today because her 6th chemo treatment, which is usually on a Wednesday, will be on Thursday instead. It won’t be in Petoskey either, but in Gaylord. About the same amount of drive time. After this CAT scan early next week to see if there are any changes to the tumor. This test, and waiting for results, are stressful for us. What will they show? Is the chemo working? Has the cancer spread? Is the tumor ((TLF) shrinking

Spent the weekend at home. There is tenderness where her pancreas is, and the chemo really takes her energy away. She has always been active before this. I try to stay up on the house chores, which is no big deal, but I think she feels bad about it. I assure her it’s no big deal. I try to keep her spirits up, cook meals that are healthy, sit with her, etc. She has a lot on her plate and needs to take things 5 minutes at a time. She had made plans to go to a craft show with her mother but decided not to. Not because of her white blood cell count, which has leveled out, but no energy. Later in the day we went to get some soup at the grocery store and she returned to the car after walking around a bit. She is having a hard time with this. The desire and want to do more and her body telling her no. It’s takes about five days to rebound physically after each treatment. Her blood sugar numbers are still jumping all over the place, and not seeming to get any better with an increase of insulin. With the tumor being where it is, in the pancreas, which is where insulin is produced, we’re pretty sure it’s all connected. It’s like different battle fronts spread out all over the place.

Keeping positive is difficult. But it’s an important ingredient. I remind her that next year, when the weather turns nice again, she’ll be doing the things she’s always enjoyed again. It’s so easy to feel negative. What’s positive about having cancer and my dealing with advanced heart disease? How do you deal with it emotionally? Doesn’t exactly put you in the mood to do cartwheels and handstands. For us it’s the desire to get back to the simple again. After working so many years and retiring it’s just been one battle after another. We’re strong people, and take things on full bore, but damn! You just never know when things will change so quickly. We’ve always looked at life as waves. When your riding a good one take it in and know it’s existing at the time, because life certainly has its share of bad weather, for everyone. So if you can see a good experience taking place, the moment it is, your enjoying it more than just taking it for granted. Taking things for granted is easy to do. For us we’ve always tried to be aware of the moments of good and calm. Which we are grateful for.

Another mass shooting took place in a small town in Texas, just a couple weeks ago it was in Las Vegas. What’s the matter with the world? So much hate in it. We try not to have the news on. If one persons views don’t agree with another’s their demonized. Has it always been this way and social media simply amplifies it? I remember when there were 3 TV stations on, and at midnight they played the national anthem and it was static the rest of the night. The remote control was your dad telling you to get up and turn the channel, and not too fast or you end up needing pliers to do so later. How times have changed. I just questioned why people can’t just along. Agree to disagree and move on.

It’s hard to make sense out of so many things. We’re learning to shut it all down and off. Concentrate on the things we can touch and feel. Right now what I care about most is Bobbi beating Twisty into a bad memory. Blocking out so many negative and distracting things is a chore on its own. Doing so creates somewhat of a better quality of life. Things just seem nuts when you turn on the TV or walk out the door. If you take too long at a stop sign someone is flipping you off jumping on their horn in a rage. What’s all that about? What’s the hurry? To get where your wanting to get 15 seconds earlier? People are battling for their lives. People are starving. I just don’t get it.

The next ten days will be long ones, a round of chemo, scans, and Petoskey next week to learn where things are at. Talking with the surgeon in Grand Rapids. Won’t have much time for writing but we’ll do our best at keeping family and friends updated. Without either this experience would be a very lonely one. Your calls, cards, messages, everything has made a huge impact on this battle. I wish there was a way to say thank you in a way that shows more than the eight letters that spell it.