Hope and Rage

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It’s early Monday morning, about 1:00am, unable to sleep. Too many thoughts bouncing around the brain, and moving clocks back an hour always messes with me. No blood work for Bobbi today because her 6th chemo treatment, which is usually on a Wednesday, will be on Thursday instead. It won’t be in Petoskey either, but in Gaylord. About the same amount of drive time. After this CAT scan early next week to see if there are any changes to the tumor. This test, and waiting for results, are stressful for us. What will they show? Is the chemo working? Has the cancer spread? Is the tumor ((TLF) shrinking

Spent the weekend at home. There is tenderness where her pancreas is, and the chemo really takes her energy away. She has always been active before this. I try to stay up on the house chores, which is no big deal, but I think she feels bad about it. I assure her it’s no big deal. I try to keep her spirits up, cook meals that are healthy, sit with her, etc. She has a lot on her plate and needs to take things 5 minutes at a time. She had made plans to go to a craft show with her mother but decided not to. Not because of her white blood cell count, which has leveled out, but no energy. Later in the day we went to get some soup at the grocery store and she returned to the car after walking around a bit. She is having a hard time with this. The desire and want to do more and her body telling her no. It’s takes about five days to rebound physically after each treatment. Her blood sugar numbers are still jumping all over the place, and not seeming to get any better with an increase of insulin. With the tumor being where it is, in the pancreas, which is where insulin is produced, we’re pretty sure it’s all connected. It’s like different battle fronts spread out all over the place.

Keeping positive is difficult. But it’s an important ingredient. I remind her that next year, when the weather turns nice again, she’ll be doing the things she’s always enjoyed again. It’s so easy to feel negative. What’s positive about having cancer and my dealing with advanced heart disease? How do you deal with it emotionally? Doesn’t exactly put you in the mood to do cartwheels and handstands. For us it’s the desire to get back to the simple again. After working so many years and retiring it’s just been one battle after another. We’re strong people, and take things on full bore, but damn! You just never know when things will change so quickly. We’ve always looked at life as waves. When your riding a good one take it in and know it’s existing at the time, because life certainly has its share of bad weather, for everyone. So if you can see a good experience taking place, the moment it is, your enjoying it more than just taking it for granted. Taking things for granted is easy to do. For us we’ve always tried to be aware of the moments of good and calm. Which we are grateful for.

Another mass shooting took place in a small town in Texas, just a couple weeks ago it was in Las Vegas. What’s the matter with the world? So much hate in it. We try not to have the news on. If one persons views don’t agree with another’s their demonized. Has it always been this way and social media simply amplifies it? I remember when there were 3 TV stations on, and at midnight they played the national anthem and it was static the rest of the night. The remote control was your dad telling you to get up and turn the channel, and not too fast or you end up needing pliers to do so later. How times have changed. I just questioned why people can’t just along. Agree to disagree and move on.

It’s hard to make sense out of so many things. We’re learning to shut it all down and off. Concentrate on the things we can touch and feel. Right now what I care about most is Bobbi beating Twisty into a bad memory. Blocking out so many negative and distracting things is a chore on its own. Doing so creates somewhat of a better quality of life. Things just seem nuts when you turn on the TV or walk out the door. If you take too long at a stop sign someone is flipping you off jumping on their horn in a rage. What’s all that about? What’s the hurry? To get where your wanting to get 15 seconds earlier? People are battling for their lives. People are starving. I just don’t get it.

The next ten days will be long ones, a round of chemo, scans, and Petoskey next week to learn where things are at. Talking with the surgeon in Grand Rapids. Won’t have much time for writing but we’ll do our best at keeping family and friends updated. Without either this experience would be a very lonely one. Your calls, cards, messages, everything has made a huge impact on this battle. I wish there was a way to say thank you in a way that shows more than the eight letters that spell it.

12 thoughts on “Hope and Rage

  1. Sending healing thoughts with lots of love to you both as you navigate this tough journey. I stand with you, believing you will win, you will beat TLF. My bet will always be on you! 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wish I could take away the pain, worry, sleepless nights, fatigue. Keep your faith Mike. Continue to pray for Bobbi as well as for you. Sending love your way😘
    Susan (Toby)

    Liked by 1 person

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