The most difficult part of the day are the dark hours of the night. With daylight saving falling back an hour it’s getting darker earlier. Something doesn’t feel right. It’s like in the Netflix series ‘Stranger Things’ when reality flash’s scenes of a dark and twisted landscape. Fear is the emotion that wants to become the dominant one. We often fear what we can’t see, with the CAT scan coming up it’s like this. You have to though. You hope for positive news. But at the same time, when lightning flashes for just a second, you can see things you don’t want to see. When photographing storms things looked so different when a flash of light lit up the sky. A blue hue, ugly clouds, wind thrashing and beating the landscape.
It feels like the wind is starting up again with the darkness. Getting up earlier. This morning it was 3:15. You want to stay positive but it’s hard to turn a mood around. Yesterday was rough. She dealt with nausea and pain in the evening. She said yesterday that it felt like she was rotting away. Broke my heart to hear. I quickly said no, we are going to beat this. She seems more distant and into deeper thoughts. I know it’s important to take the time to touch. I think cancer try’s to make a person feel they are unattractive and others don’t want to touch them. I’m going to make a point to change this. Nobody should ever feel that they are unworthy of being loved or held. The emotional battles are as tough as the physical ones. At least medications can help the physical ones. Theres no pills for the emotional ones except touch and love.
I can’t image what she is thinking about. I can relate with wondering if my own eyes would open when hooked up to IV’s and wires attached to my chest. But this is different. You never really come to peace with the thought. You just know that you’re thinking is messed up. Think positive, think positive, think positive… yet the lightning keeps striking. Pain, replaces the thunder. As a kid I use to count the seconds when thunder would come after lightning. Now I clinch my teeth. When she is getting sick their clinched with frustration and anger at things I cannot see. Today her blood work for Thursday will be taken.
I don’t like seeing the changes that Bobbi is going through. The physical changes rip at my heart. I see her silently struggling to grasp all of it. Joy is something we need to find, somehow, someway. Hope isn’t just a nice sounding word or belief tossed around, it comes from desperation and fear gives birth to it. There is a price to really feel that word, and doesn’t come cheaply. Oh, we can hope for warm days, or children hope for certain Christmas gifts, but this is another type of hope.
Fear of the unknown never bothered me before. Those days are long gone. Maybe it’s the darkest time inside the cocoon right now. Spring will arrive and like the new life that sprouts out the soil this will be a battle defeated. Hope… not something to be gambled on.