One day at a time. The last 4 days have been a living hell for Bobbi. The side effects of the chemotherapy peaked and tried to broke her mentally. They said to continue the treatments until they become intolerable and that’s what it’s become. This is her week off, with another scan this week and a meeting next week with doctors. Which is when she’s going to have her schedule changed regardless what the outcome of the tests show. Markers were done last week, so will know more on that additionally. It certainly been hell week though. Last night in bed she broke down and just let the tears flow from the pain and mental anguish. Said she didn’t recognize the person in the mirror. The steroids, the loss of what little hair she had grown falling out again. All I could do was hold her and keep medications on course. It’s not the cancer that’s causing it, it’s the drugs that are attacking it. The cancer pain is there, where the tumor is, but the majority is chemo related. The 1st treatment, to the 12th, gradually brought on more issues. It’s so disheartening to witness. Then dealing with insurance changes in the midst of it, which are now slowly getting figured out and organized, didn’t help. Bobbi’s always been very organized with keeping track of bills and us getting things paid. When a wrench is thrown in the mist it becomes overwhelming. We’ve had good long talks about not letting numbers overlap the mental health that her body and mind need to heal and fight. Numbers are numbers, no matter how many zeros are attached. I write letters with payments and show attempts are being made but we certainly are not going to starve to try and keep things from the red zone. We’ve tapped into a lot of different cancer assistant programs, working with financial institutions, and it’s slowly bring that stress level down. Knowing that we’ve reached the intolerable phase with the treatments, and things will be backed down, is a relief. It was one hell of a ride. It’s always one more scan, one more lab, one more doctor, one more needle, one more car trip. Winter storms of ice and snow didn’t stop us. We pushed forward with her sleeping after treatments. I keep my eyes looking forward and deal with the unknown ahead with tunnel vision. There are going to be brighter days. And there will be new battles and storms. But there is no quit. Period.

I was in a very dark place to last couple of weeks. Detached from a lot, turned the damn news off, and tried to put things back in perspective. It’s hell watching someone you love go through so much, and even more difficult when managing severe heart issues and taking 10 different medications. It is what it is but has taken its toll. With spring soon arriving, it feels like the cocoon is starting to crack and a beautiful monarch is going to emerge with Bobbi. It may be false hope that’ll be slammed with the results of new tests this coming week but it feels like some easier days are ahead. Knowing she will behaving less treatments, which will in turn bring much needed relief to her is a good thing. It was like a high fever finally broke, for now. Today we kept it simple. Visited her mother who had a total hip replacement done a little over two weeks ago then went for a nice drive.

6 thoughts on “Hopeful

  1. I continue to pray for you & Bobbi, I pray that she gets relief from this terrible monster inside her. My heart aches for the two of you. Sending hugs & my love. Susan

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You both have been through so much you have a deep true love ❤️ all I can do is continue to pray for both of you and send vibes of strength to you❤️Thank you again for sharing hugs 🤗 to both of u❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

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