The Big Wait

Things going from one appointment to the next. Learning this week more information and clarity. Bobbi’s going to start writing and these will be included in this blog.


“Cancer I hate the word. It has stolen every hair on my body . Chemo the magic potion brought to infuse into my body in a bio hazard bag with nurses gowning gloving and wearing masks I know it is toxic. Yet the toxicity of the chemo is what I am relying on to kill my tumor. They tell me I was fortunate one of the 5% to catch it early. Which they now tell me I have spots on my live. WTF. My instincts told me it was my pancreas. You don’t get urine looking like a quart of motor oil and look like a gilded lady for no reason. Blood sugars out of control. I knew I had cancer before I got a diagnosis I just kept it to myself. You always want to spare those you love from pain they don’t deserve. I think I knew for a long time cancer would be the card I would be dealt in a deck that was stacked. They say life isn’t fair you worked your whole life helping others. To me that was my gift my earthly reward. I have had many gifts my husband whom many had turned their backs and hearts on, how lucky was I despite being ill he has made me feel precious and beautiful. He is not afraid to rub my bald head and make me feel beautiful. I love our children. Shay such a special daughter. I may not have given birth to but she reminds me of myself at a younger age. Not afraid of adventure always striving for perfection and not feeling you are perfect just the way you are. What a gift our special Christmas Charlie Brown tree tied to a curtain rod because ornaments were heavier than the tree. Drinking wine together talking and all during a power outage. The three of us just trying to stay warm in one of the most isolated places on earth. Most people think of DeTour as a different road route yet that is where we were. DeTour Michigan across the road from the mighty Lake Huron. Snow thigh high billions of stars and silence that is deafening. I like her rebel spirit and her wanting to make a difference. I get it she will do great things she has a heart that has endured unimaginable pain from an early age . She is a warrior like her dad and I. To not be bitter amidst life’s challenges . I get angry when I think how such a sweet soul had such tribulations. I think of my moms life losing parents at 18. Fair hell no another survivalist. The bricks in life are hard to endure at times but I will fight. I have love all around me. I have family which some were robbed of at an early age. We are not perfect human beings by any means but we do our best.

Thinking lots about family and friends in Wisconsin. Gotta keep the fight going!”

14 thoughts on “The Big Wait

  1. Bobbi from a friend, another metastatic sister, and a follower of your fight to help fuel my own, I’m so glad to see your own words here – in this digital domain where things seem as surreal at times as our maladies themselves. You’re very lucky indeed for the husband, friends and family support you revive with wide open arms. I wonder what life with cancer plus support feels like, since my partner suffers from depression and anxiety- those make-selfish little diseases. My family decided I looked too good to suffer from stage 4 cancer and all live back east, friend after friend fled like lemmings over a cliff each afraid of mortality staring them in the face or fear of not knowing how to now talk to me. Everyone accommodated to my listening to their problems, which I still want to hear to distract me from my own. One thing to note about our digital community is we all get it, we fight for one another’s fights and laugh at the same dark humor, a place people closer to us fear to tread. I’m glad to see you writing – a therapeutic surprise you’ll find very soul healing, I hope, or at least a place to vent honestly. I hope to see you here and learn from you as I do from others in our #lifer sisterhood.
    Ilene – the driver of the cancerbus.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ilene thanks for the nice note. Am glad I have a lot of support I have a brother that also has cancer his was in his jaw and has been through a lot of the same but no chemo a big surgery but 3 years out and is cancer free. My dad passed away in 1999 of bone cancer so three out of seven in my immediate family have seen this ugly disease up close. I do keep how I feel to myself a lot. My husband knows because we have been together for25 years and well no fooling him lol. A sense of humor keeps us going. We both shaved our heads because mine had few strands left. At first it was traumatic then I was like screw you cancer I am in control of when to be bald. Now we just joke about our bad hair days. At times I do not recognize myself in the mirror. But I am the same person just one with an illness that will undoubtably win but not today. If we let it it could have the potential to consume our every thought. Every decision awaiting our next scan. Driver of the cancer bus indeed. This past couple of weeks chemo kicked my ass I refuse to nap I am not going to waste one moment of my life sleeping through it. Maybe because at night when I go to bed and sleep it is the onetime I am cancer-free. I think we all just want to feel we have made a difference or an impact somewhere along the line. I like your dark humor I get it. Sister fight coming your way. Smile today it throws people off

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Today is transcendental meditation introduction class. I’m going to smile and I am always in awe of the close relationship you have – craig unfortunately has gone towards denial, and hasn’t really tried to invest himself into the requirements of shifting from the state of “plenty of time” to “no time like now.” So in some way I am sharing in his denial in taking care of him along with the current needs of my body and mind, which are few at this point and don’t need many days of help per month. Maybe 2-3. But those 2-3 days leave an indelible mark on my spirit, especially when I’m alone and feel the fear of what true alone-ness in the world means. Not one for self pity, I get back up, brush myself off, take a hot bath, and go help someone who really needs me. Cancer cannot rob us of our true spirits. It cannot rob our souls of the good in us. It cannot rob us of humor, light or dark. And it cannot rob us of tenacity. My oncologist said I’m doing better than so many of his other patients because of my humor and tenacity. I’m also not quite done here, and I know that, although death makes me curious not afraid. I don’t tell craig how I feel, but he asks where I am when I am not available. It’s like shutters go up over my eyes and a big sign only he can read says “closed for business.” My palliative onc keeps sending me to psych onc, and psych onc tells her – she’s not depressed, she’s just got her plate full and who wouldn’t? Seeing as how a partner with full blown depression and anxiety caused by OCD, and my own disease, losing my parents both in the span of 5 years, and my step sons’ insane mother and their subsequent behavioral problems, I’d tend to agree.
        Thank you for sharing so candidly and I appreciate the love that’s both a billboard and an example from which anyone can learn as to how to hold up during the most stressful times of life. Many have couples blown to bits over one situation or the other, not both. So here I am three years into this thing and 11 years with Craig and no end but the end for me and I swear, I’m still amazed I’ve not broken anything over his head yet!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I miss you Bobbi, I wish I could take your pain away, your treatments away, your cancer. You are a wonderful, giving person, a caregiver, an angel here on earth. We do not have the answers to why a person like you would get cancer, it saddens me, it makes me mad. I only know you will go from an angel here on earth to an angel in Heaven one day… love you bud


  3. My Dear Old Friend: Your examples in living your life give everyone inspiration and aspiration. While we are (or will be) dealt cards we’d rather not get, it is how we play those cards that more clearly defines the core of who we are. You, my sweet, are a shining star. I hope to remember all that you and Mike have written when it is my turn. Prayers always. Love you much 💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Like I’ve said before you are a amazing woman and always will have the will to fight no matter how long it will take with family and friends and prayer chain will all continue to fight with you❤️❤️🤗

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s