Time to Battle!

 The last 5 months everyone stopped worrying about the original pancreas tumor and concentrated on the liver spots that developed over the same period of time. Three out five doctors said they “felt” and “believed” that her cancer had turned metastatic, though couldn’t be sure. Spots were too small for biopsy. They were going on the facts that were present and small because they were responding to the 13 chemotherapy treatments. Just last week they told her she’d be on chemo rest of her life.

Out of the blue the phone rang today from her surgeon in Grand Rapids, said the whipple was back on the table. We really have no idea whats going on. Five months of going back and forth, surgery on, surgery off, to surgery now back on has left us grabbing at straws. The surgeon said that she would first have to go 4 to 5 weeks without chemo in order to handle the surgery. What???

What a rollercoaster. The surgery is no guarantee that the cancer won’t spread (if it hasn’t already…why the sudden liver spots that responded to treatments?). Its a major surgery. Does she endure this only to learn it already had spread? Why the sudden change of now the surgery being on the table? because the liver spots shrunk, which they are suppose to do while on chemo? Does this mean it stopped from spreading? All questions the best minds in the field have no exact answers for. But what the heck, do the surgery and shake the dice and make a bet on the odds? Which aren’t that good to start with. When do you look at quality of life over quantity? The chemo has her barely able to walk, the whipple has a high rate of the cancer recurring anyways, but then with new complications from that.

Simply not sure what to think of at this time. Which is bullshit considering it was last fall she was diagnosed. They say there is a gray area with cancer, its not black and white. Well there sure is a black and white picture between life and death. Is there too many chefs stirring the soup? We’ve put on over 10,000 miles trying to get answers that all come back with yes, she has pancreatic cancer, but unsure about everything else because the chemotherapy is doing its job at keeping the other spots in an unsure picture. We’re going to talk with family an go from there.

Late Tuesday night – After spending the last 8 hours talking, going over every possible scenario we’ve come to a decision. It’s time to bring the fight to the cancer while this little door is open. There is a little light at the end of the tunnel and we can’t spend our time worrying about it now caving in! We’ve gone this far to quit now. Yes, we’re filled with diagnosis that the professionals may or may not have given the most accurate information. Lived with the unknown for months, traveled many miles, but it’s time now to swing for the fence and get Twisty the hell out of there. If the CT scan looks good in 4 weeks Bobbi is going to go through with the surgery. The evening was spent looking over every paperwork timeline and statistics. Some good, some not so good. Maybe it’s spread, maybe it hasn’t. No one is for sure but the window of opportunity has cracked open a millimeter and we’re going to give it everything we got to bring the fight to this monster. It’s a huge surgery. Pictures on the Internet look like people have been cut in half and restitched. Possibilities of complications many. Past friends haven’t faired to well after the same procedures. Her past medical surgeries in her abdominal will make it more risky. Her diabetes the same.

The alternative is chemotherapy for life, until the disease overpowers it. But you know what? We knew this would be a real fight and fighters we are. It took a bit to layout the facts and encouragement. A pep talk of facts and how I know how strong her spirit is. But it is ON! Would have been so easy to say to heck with it, it’s going to win eventually so why fight so hard. But that’s not who we are. Are we scared and apprehensive? Hell yes! But you get no where in life sitting back and waiting for things to come to you. Singing the blues is okay too…for awhile. But it’s time to suit up, put the biggest bat in our hands, and stomp this demon into dust. We trust the surgeon. She’s performed over 80 of the operations. The hospital is one of the best. If she and her team feels like they can do this, and it’s the best chance at extending her life, with quality, then it will be. I want to see her walk the beach with her sisters, laugh and love her son and Jen. To see her daughter Shay continue to rock this world with her adventures!Sit around campfires with her brothers and plant flowers with her mother. Spend time with friends, love and embrace her grandchildren. If this is the only opportunity we have to see these things happen then it’s time to battle. The next few weeks these writing will go silent. I personally have to help get my wife physically and emotionally ready for this fight. As far as past liver spots, what some doctors shared in what they “think” it may be, there was also a lot going on at the time with her bile duct stent becoming dislodged, 300 count blood sugar numbers, that may have inflamed things. Maybe the spots went down because her family doctor finally got her blood sugars into normal ranges. All we know is that the window of opportunity may not remain open for that long. There is a lot of fight in this woman, like I’ve never seen in another female or male. I’m going to be by her side every second, every minute. I’m ready for this. She’s ready for this. It’s now time to prepare, exercise, and get her in the best condition she can be in. Thank you again for all the support and love shown by many throughout all of it. We got this! Surgery is tentatively scheduled for March 27th. Will keep everyone updated throughout it.

Bobbi – The word cancer has a way of consuming thoughts. How does one position these thoughts? The brain is a remarkable thing when compartmentalizing of information.

When do you take control of cancer? Is there such a thing? Control is taken when it is not the first thing you think of in the morning nor your last thought at night. Inner strength where the hell does one get this? There are empowering moments on the cancer ride. Sometimes we make decisions and take control when we have no idea it’s being done. From personal experience, I just knew what made me feel stronger. Hair clippers in hand when my thick long hair was circling the drain. Only a couple of tears were shed with the first swipe of the clippers blade. I trusted my husband to shave an even bald look. Better yet we were going bald as a couple. My husband Mike was shaving his head too. Tried talking him out of it but no chance. It was my way of not letting cancer take the of my last hair. If it’s going I’m taking it myself.

Chemo with Abraxane and Gemzar weekly infusion 3 weeks on one week off. Hate the infusions but love the people. The nurses at Karmonos in Petoskey are wonderful. Know what to expect. A couple of good days after steroid and chemo then the crash. I feel myself weaker with each infusion. Neuropathy in hands and feet. It’s like trying to pick up a quarter with an oven mitt. My feet feel like dog paws, under the toes it feels like swollen pads.

I refuse to nap… if cancer is going to take me come and get me awake coward. My journey has not been normal, or maybe it has? Was told I had Mets by three different doctors, that chemo would be indefinitely. Told that surgery wasn’t an option. I then positioned my thinking to this is my fate, questioning how I’ll do chemo indefinitly. It literally sucks the life out of me. At what point do I concede and quit treatments? I knew it was getting close to this decision last CT done. When I’m feeling the weakest (after the 13th treatment) suddenly out of the blue the surgeon calls and says the whipple surgery is back on. How do I pull this one from the depths of my mind? I had to find the strength somewhere.

I put my boots on and walked around the parking lot, down the street and up and down stairs for the next 4 weeks. Gradually it went from 100 feet to 200. Then 30 steps to 300. My hair was returning and my attitude improving. They were telling me I had a chance to live longer than a couple of months. I was preparing myself for the upcoming battle.”

8 thoughts on “Time to Battle!

  1. Words cannot describe the Love I have for my beautiful Braveheart sister. Just know I will be there for you both.
    We pray that she will be healed through this surgery.
    May the peace that surpasses all understanding be with you.
    Love you guys.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mike, you are Bobbi’s rock. Together you considered each scenario & made a decision, now you can focus on rest & nutrition to prepare Bobbi for the upcoming surgery. Our prayers continue for the two of you in the upcoming weeks. Love you guys. 😘
    Tobes

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My prayers continue while you fight the good fight.
    My next pet scan is in four weeks also. My doctor says we’ll continue based on what the results are. I have already said no to move chemo. So we shall see.
    Much love and lots of prayers.
    Always,
    Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

  4. They never tell you this when you hear people talk about cancer… The “how long is a piece of string” scenario. So much is unknown and unanswerable… It’s so hard to handle some days.
    I wish you both all the strength and positivity going in this next very trying step 💪🏻💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Before you start running silent…for all the right reasons, mind you….please keep me posted on the surgery date. Lacks Cancer Center is minutes from my house, not to mention is part of Mercy Health St. Mary’s where my daughter was a cardiology specialist for 13 years. Stomping grounds, so to speak. The love and prayers continue.

    Liked by 1 person

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