Don’t Drop The Rose

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Seen The Guess Who last week. Bobbi’s mom surprised us with two tickets for a night out. A year ago, to the day, Bobbi was discharged from the hospital after undergoing her Whipple surgery. After the concert the car had to be pulled out of the mud by a tow truck though! The right side of the front wheel was parked on grass, and it sank about 4 inches into the soft wet ground. Being a front wheel drive car it only took a couple spins of the tire and there it sat. What can you do? Shit happens. Made little sense to get worked up and upset. It wouldn’t have suddenly lifted the car and float it over two inches. Was a good concert and felt good to get out. The temps here in the Soo finally hit 60 so that’s a reason to celebrate on its own. Bobbi has spent the last few weeks getting her seedling started, and garden area set up. Looking forward to some calm evenings simply enjoying peaceful nights and hearing the freighter horns passing through the Locks. It was one long winter. Nice to have it in the rearview mirror. Though now dodging the pot holes in the road is an adventure. Had great news on the birth of a new Grandson, Jordan Everett Stouffer. Adam and Julie’s world suddenly changed on April 4th. Really happy for them. Believe everyone should experience the love that bringing a child into this world together brings. Wishing the world was a kinder and more peaceful place right now, some interesting times we live in. You really do have to live one day at a time. Turning off cable news and all the talking heads on TV is huge. 

Bobbi and I have talked a lot on the next round of her medical scans and follow-up appointment. She’s decided to not go through with them. She’s said realistically what can be done if the news wasn’t good? Her doctor told her endless treatments of chemotherapy for palliative care if things turn south. The last paperwork from radiology said that spots on her lungs were suspicious for Mets and should me monitored. First reaction was disbelief. Really? After all this? “Might be, could be, believe so…” Have heard it before to only become concerned and stressed of what the future held for false readings. Not going to go there this time. She told her doctor that she wasn’t going to live her life based on one scan after another. If anything could be done in helping her great, but playing whack a mole wasn’t going to be the road she was going to travel. Many assumed after the surgery, radiation, chemo, ringing the bell, that she was “cured”. We knew that wasn’t the case. It’s easy to confuse being done with a set of procedures as the illness being beat. She had exhausted all medical procedures that could be done. She’s in a really good space not thinking nonstop about whether its Mets or isn’t and accepting today for what it is. The good, the bad, an the ugly. Really, all we could learn from this point on is bad news. These are some heavy issues discussed. I support her decision 100%. I did the same with my situation. Have everything available to us that the hospitals can provide. Bobbi said she didn’t need a ton of tests, monitors, needle pricks, to tell us what she already knows. If each of us are happy with today, why enter into different waters? We believe we’re going to continue to beat the odds and so called statistics. Chemotherapy indefinitely would destroy the quality of the life Bobbi is determined to live. Whether its a year or ten years. Ask her how she’s doing and your going to get thumbs up and a smile. She is one tough woman. Yet a hug and understanding with no words exchanged go a long ways. In addition to a few pep talks now and then. She knows what’s going on and is facing things like a warrior. Its hard to read either of us because we tend to put on our best face during the worst times. She’s not giving up or quitting. She’s deciding what’s best for her and what her wishes are. We are looking forward to many things the next few months.

This experience has certainly opened our eyes to a lot of things. The people in our lives are keeping the wheels on the wagon going. Emotions really have to be kept in check. These are tough times for millions of people. I’m all for freedom, baseball and apple pie but a majority of people are living from paycheck to paycheck. You just have to keep on pushing forward though. Have your priorities on the things that matter most in order. It’s a shame what’s happening to families, friends, neighbors when hardships hit. The loss of a job, falling ill, many are quickly drained of lifesavings and poisoned with promises of false hope. Insurance and the price of medicine is a joke and should be a crime. Insurance companies decide life an death decisions that should be left to doctors. I could go on and on. Is there bitterness and anger? Yes, a lot. But so what. It doesn’t change anything. Now the politicians will again start their rants on how “they” will change the system. The system won’t change as long as big money and power are calling the shots. Power doesn’t conceded power too often so not holding our breath on that one. Many live on the hope each day that an accident or illness is avoided. Insurance is simply a coupon. Our most positive experiences have been dealing with the workers on the frontline of healthcare. Most the doctors, nurses, support workers have been a huge blessing. Is it embarrassing? Sure, at times, it sucks telling bill collectors they’ll get what we can give them and no more. I tell them their name is put in a hat and who gets their name pulled out gets a bit. If you call 40 times a day your name won’t even be put in the hat. They could careless about a family already having to skip meals, cut medications, or both. Or their car flashing “service engine soon” is a panic light. Won’t even get started about the telemarketers! A lot of times, out of nowhere, loved ones and friends have changed what seemed like dire circumstances in our world that we had no clue how we’d deal with them. We’ve had to make some tough choices between different things but you do the best you can with what you have. It’s nothing to feel ashamed about. As many have heard, It’s not about getting knocked down, it’s about figuring out how to get back up. That really is what defines a persons character. I’ve witness some unbelievable courage and strength from the woman I’m blessed to call my wife and share our world together. I’ve really grown closer to her family the last few years and it feels good.

Traveling long distances is a thing of the past, physically and financially. There are good days and bad days (not going to get into all that). You make adjustments. You don’t let a bad day or moment define you. What use to really bother Bobbi was hearing “your looking good” (after having just lost 5 pounds and not sleeping for 2 days). She understands it now. Compared to past pictures and videos being on deaths doorstep it’s certainly true. She takes it as the compliment its meant to be. Would you rather hear “man, you really look like crap today”? Do the best you can, tackle each day with faith, wear your chains with grace, and believe you will get through whatever life throws at you. Not an easy chore at times. It’s about attitude and being unafraid to tell your challenge “screw you, not today”! And before you know it you go to bed and start the process all over again. The impacts of our family and friends is what heals the heart the most! A short message, a call, card, go a long way. Allow yourself, and loved ones, the time and space to comprehend everything. There is grief, anger, sorrow, victories, life is a rollercoaster. Know when your on calm waters because you can be assured your boat is going to take on water at some point. 

And finally, if you know someone battling a health issue, a loved one, friend, don’t feel sorry for them or define them by their circumstance. Simply love them and know each person is a temporary gift in each others life. Don’t let petty gripes turn into long drawn out battles. Don’t let the fruit rotten before its picked and we heard from someone important to us not to drop the roses that come your way. Look for the good in others and speak up for the ones who have no voice. This is our last posting so thanks having followed and encouraging us. Hoping something will help another when their boat takes on water.

Sister Love!

IMG_3537Spring has arrived! Can’t tell by the four feet of snow outside our door but it’ll be history soon. Things are in a stand-by mode concerning my cancer. If that’s a possible thing! Chose 6 month follow up, and going by last information learned (increase of lung spots from previous scans) but too early to know if they are something to be concerned about. Choosing not to be concerned about. Can drive yourself crazy wondering this and that, but thats added stress and who needs that. Next check-up is in May so will know more then. A side of me thinks why bother, it’s not like anything can be done if the news isn’t good. Right now I feel like I’m in a good place. Not being defined by my challenge, living life day by day, some are good, some not.
Mike and I have been watching past seasons of a show named “Brothers and Sisters”. Goofy show, acting is sort of cheesy, but dynamics interesting. One of the sisters learned she had cancer and it was like a brick hit both of us. Seeing the things we’ve been through being played out brought back a lot of memories. The news, doctors, telling family and friends, chemo, hair falling out, surgery, radiation, etc. TV attempts to do a good job at it but falls short. There were scenes that brought tears to each of us because of what they were dealing with. Its a family that appears on the outside to have everything great, but peel away a few layers and you see one messed up bunch! Makes us appreciate what we have thats real. The interactions the sisters have together, thankfully, are far from the one Lori and Chrissy and I have. We’ve always been close. But experiencing this ordeal with them has certainly brought us closer. Their love and support, literally, has been nonstop. I get overwhelmed by their generosity. We’ve always have tried to be self reliant but when the health challenges hit it was a WTF moment! First Mike having the cardiac battles and then the dreaded “you have cancer” words flipped everything completely upside down. What are you going to do? You go through the shock of all of it, suit up, and learn how to live 24 hours a day. Thats probably been the most prominent thing. Getting too far ahead is depressing. It can be without having health challenges. I know today is a gift, and I try to see it as that. Said I’d send a card to the surgeon who did my whipple once a year, on the day surgery took place. Just put it in the mail. Have already beaten the odds and statistics. Wasn’t sure for awhile! None of know what or how we’ll be living a year from now, heck a week or day for all that matter. Can have all the plans in the world but reality can and does change in seconds. What this experience certainly has changed is my perception on everything! Two steps forward and one step back seems to be the norm. We wanted to take a trip to Wausau at the end of March but plans, once again, don’t always work out as desired. Been having car problems, which suddenly increased the last couple of days, so maybe it was for the best. Breaking down in the middle of no where, with no cell phones, would’ve been our luck. Nice to be be closer to siblings here but the missing of family and friends in Wisconsin is tough. Each have to manage health issues that can and do pop up like whack a mole. Whoever said golden years are full of bliss and rose petals were crazy! Wanted to update everyone on things, been awhile. Will know more in a couple months. Looking forward to gardening and days enjoying the lake and freighters with visiting family members. Missing people fews like a physical ache at times! So thankful for the internet and technology! Nothing beats the real thing though! Seating around laughing and sharing, tearing up when saying goodbye. Before that was a real tough one. Wasn’t sure if there would be another visit and if the one experienced was the last. We are doing good today though! Wanted to give a shout out to my sisters! You have my back and your love and sharing has taught me so much. Thank you! And to my friend sisters, and you Charlie, I love you!
Mike: Another season is upon us! Sweet! Christmas lights still up but we don’t turn them on! Will deal with them soon though. This past winter was a mind blower. Snow drifts were a foot higher than our car! Should do a commercial for Prius! Presently needs a little TLC but got us through another Upper Michigan winter so thankful for that! That little car is like the little red train or the fish Nemo!
As Bobbi wrote things are in a waiting period. Cancer has a lot of these times. You learn to live with them and just push ahead. I often compare life to be a lot like being in a boat. The outside elements we have no control over will let us know how little control we really have over some situations. All you can do is your best. Try to have the right mindset and know when the waters are calm. Not too many days are completely “calm” most have a little rocking back and forth. It’s the awareness of whats going on thats key. Know when a little rocking is good, and that life will certainly have it hitting the shore rocks. Makes appreciating things just a little bit more enjoyable. Can’t worry about the weather to come, cause it changes quickly! Just enjoy the moment. This way of looking at things is the best regardless of health challenges. Enjoying watching Bobbi having better days, but some she has serious issues that are hard to watch being unable to lift the hardship. She has the same for my moments of extra nitro, morphine and oxogen keeps me housebound. Don’t tell others about them, whats the sense in that? We all have our rough days and it gets old explaining things. Suck it up buttercup and manage. Try to keep Bobbi unaware but she’s no dummy. We do go with our worries on each other, A simple hug, or cuddling up under CC’s blanket with music or mindless TV on does wonders. Things are pretty good today. How I can feel that after not sleeping 40 some hours I have no idea! But thats another story. You have to separate inconvenient moments, for whatever reason, from the bigger picture. Trying not to worry about the future check ups she’s got coming up. Just keep in mind that worry doesn’t change outcome. We’ve been told a number of times that her cancer “appears” to have metastasized, only to learn it’s undefined. Just can’t live that way! Looking forward to this Summer! Missing like crazy son Sean and Jen, CC and partner in crime Aiden. Seeing Shay in a couple months so really excited about that too. Adam and Julie should be having their little one soon and thats been on our mind a lot to. Trying to simply give them their space and not complicate things. Missing both and hoping the best. Its been really nice not seeing doctors every few weeks, for my own mumble jumble, so glad that decision was made to go every 6 months. Knowing no more intrusive or un-intrusive procedures really is nice. All things considered we are doing pretty good. The waters are rocking the boat, but its not sinking! Thank you for the read and continued prayers and support! Have no idea how we’d make it without it! More news soon with next post!

Happy Holidays!

It’s been close to two months since I rang the bell after my last chemo. Three weeks ago I had another scan and things looked promising. They hesitate to tell a person they are cancer free, but I’m believing so. On the follow up appointment with the Doctor a week later we discussed how often people follow up with scans and appointments after chemo. Some 3 months, some six months. I chose the six month. I can’t live my life living and worrying scan to scan. If things turn south then it is what it is. All the worry in the world won’t change anything. It concerned the Doctor and Mike some but they each get it. Everything that can be done medically has been completed. Next week I’m having the port taken out. Feeling good and getting stronger each day. Taking daily walks with my mother and enjoying this a lot. Getting prepared for the holidays and glad I’m around for it! Wasn’t too sure about it a year ago. After going through an experience like this each holiday is appreciated more. We have our tree and lights up outside, they look really pretty.

“Faces and voices of cancer” organization want to do a interview on the 6th, in a couple days, and I’m glad to be able to help others fighting their battle with my story. I believe hope comes in many forms and if it’ll help another with that then mission accomplished.

Hoping everyone has a nice Christmas and great new year! We have lots of snow here in Upper Michigan, even built a small snowman on Saturday. Got a hat and scarf for it, just need a bit more snow, which I’m sure we’ll get. Not really sure what our Christmas Day plans are, but have awhile yet to plan. Just very grateful for life and being here for it!

Mike-Wishing the same to everyone in having a great holiday season! My gratefulness to everyone is hard to put into words. My admiration towards Bobbi is beyond words as well! Seeing her getting stronger each day is calming. Knowing the scan was good, and blood work, very assuring. What a wild ride it was. Seems so surreal now. I knew she’d be a monarch again, beautiful and shining. But it certainly took a serious toll on her. She fought Twisty and decimated it. Happy that she’s decided to have her port taken out. Doesn’t need a reminder what yesterday’s battles were. We’ll never forget them that’s for sure!

Thank you again to everyone! Have a Merry Christmas and a peaceful new year. Never give up your fight in life, no matter what the odds and so called “statistics” are! Everyone is unique and gifted in some way.

The Bell

October 6, 2018

Bobbi- What a 15 month whirlwind this has been. Chemo Abraxane, Gemzar, hair loss, no eyebrows, eyelashes, completely stripped of recognition. The only control I had was to shave my head when it was literally coming out in clumps. I remember walking from the bed to the kitchen and not sure if I would make it to the nearest chair. Having to sit on the floor of the shower because of not being strong enough to stand. My first thoughts when told I had pancreatic cancer were I will not be around in 6 months, a deadly diagnosis. How I felt then I did not care if I had a time limit on life. When on the brink the human spirit seems to dig deep within to survive. There was a chance that chemo would shrink my tumor and a Whipple surgery would be possible. How can one embrace a huge surgical procedure? I questioned if this would even occur. Next scan liver spots now facing possible metastatic disease, the lifeline was shorter. At time of biopsy spots are gone. WTH . More chemo. I have literally gone through health hell. When told Chemo indefinitely I was done, no more. The day after my decision the surgeon called, said scans were reviewed and I was a candidate for surgery. How would I endure this when I could barely stand? I trained starting with baby steps. Then I was walking a mile, at times having to sit on the side of the road to make it back. I had surgery March 27th and was out of the hospital March 30th. Was I ready to leave the hospital? I put on a warriors face and said I can and will do this, though was unsure. I walked and never stopped. One month after surgery I rode a radiation bus daily for 30 trips along with chemo, with my brother Steve fighting his cancer battle. That period of time we grew even closer. His wife Debbie always with encouraging love.

After my first chemo and radiation treatment, after the surgery, was spent in a motel getting sick for 12 hours. Probably should have gone to the hospital but was seeing doctor next day anyway. I was told I would have 4 more cycles of single agent chemo after chemo radiation was complete. Finally had about an inch of hair and lost it twice so I guess three times the charm. Remember pulling at my hair on day 14 and was shocked when none fell out. Maybe I will luck out this time. By this point the once revered hair mattered little. Never thought I would be writing at this point. Didn’t expect to make it through the ordeal but am so looking forward to my final chemo. Ring the bell. I did not fight alone there are too many champions behind me. My sister Lori and husband Jim came to many appointments and comforted me more times than can be counted. Remember being at her house when I was extremely ill lying in bed together, just being sisters. Our son Sean and wife Jen, who made many trips from Wisconsin with the grandkids were a HUGE motivation. Weekly messages with positive inspiring words from Jens Mother helped. Sharing calls with Shay, our Daughter halfway across the world going to school was a blessing.

My sister Chrissy always called after each treatment meant so much. Visits with brother Mike kept me cheerful and laughing. Meeting with my mother each week, with some really deep talks kept me grounded and feeling positive. All the friends in Wausau were in my corner! The doctors, nurses, social workers, financial assistant coordinator, the nutritionist who provided me with protein drinks and vitamins. The Hope Lodge in Grand Rapids was amazing, along with Surgeon Dr. Jill Onesti. Oncologist Dr. Elena Copolla, Becky Tom NP, and Dr. Boike, Andra, Wendy, from Karmanos were true miracle workers! I would have perished without everyone’s help. When humanity seems to be at all time lows there are people out there.

And of course Mike, my husband. Whose wise words of “worry does not change outcomes” will always stick in my mind when I get too far into the future with it. He was my trainer and coach. And he always told others we were oath keepers not caretakers when the word was brought up. We battled his serious health issues for 7 years, with me doing the same. Guess we do things big at our house, cancer and heart disease. Know his endurance was limited but he made meals, shopped, laundry, shaved my head (and his own), and many sleepless nights looking over me while I slept. Drove 180 miles once a week for over a year. Called hospitals, doctors, loved me, massaged my aching muscles and bones, the list goes on.

I just know today I am here and will spend my remaining days appreciating life. It is not what you have but who you have in your lives. I certainly didn’t fight this alone.

October 11th, 2018

The day finally arrived. We were in Petoskey just a couple days ago, I was the speaker at a survivors meeting, and was unsure what to share. I knew it was a good sign to be speaking at such a meeting. It really dawned on me that I was in fact now a survivor! I still had one more treatment and it’s all I could think about! And today was the day! Lori and Jim met us there, I had the first nurse I started out with, Melissa, and in the exact same chair and room of the first chemo treatment. After the treatment it felt like a ton of weight was lifted off my shoulders. There were many hugs, and when I rang the bell joy never felt before went through my body! We celebrated by going out to a wonderful deli. It feels so good to be alive.

The ride here was stormy and windy. The ride back the same until a giant rainbow appeared the closer we got to home. It was an amazing sight. The timing of it was like an out of the body experience.

There will still be future scans and doctor appointments. No big deal. Today was a good day, no… it was a great day!

October 9th, 2018

Mike- Bobbi spoke at a survivors group today, sharing her story. Many had tears. From barely being able to walk last Christmas to the woman today is a total transformation. So many thanks to everyone! During the talk it sunk in that we were very close to the end of this journey. I was so proud of her using her story to now helping others with their journey.

October 11th, 2018

Seeing Bobbi ring the bell today, having completed all treatments, was an unexplainable feeling. What a long 15 months it’s been. Over 10,000 miles traveled and we are finally done. Lori and Jim met us at the infusion center which was extra nice. Lori presented her with beautiful flowers and the entire experience felt surreal. When we arrived home, and alone we hugged and tears rolled down both our cheeks. Her writings did an excellent job sharing what took place. Glad we have a happy ending. So very proud of her. So grateful for this new chapter. So appreciative for all who have stood by our side with compassion and love. Thank you. Thank you Karmanos!

Today I’am a survivor! To all reading this I hope this inspires you in your battles. The worse odds and statistics matter little. Fight like you’ve never have before and lean on the lives around you. Don’t worry about tomorrow, just get through the one second, minute, hour, and the day you are in.

Radiation Treatments Completed

A picture Bobbi painted of a fairy with watercolors after she lost her hair last year. It’s grown into what she imagined it to look like. 

Today Bobbi completed her 30th radiation treatment. Man, there is simply no words that can describe my admiration to this woman. From the start, the bleakest day’s, to now crossing over a milestone that’s deciding everything. It was a long-haul, 6,000 miles! And she did it with her head held high, a sense of humor, and uncompromising attitude of screw you cancer. Knowing the odds, not being sure if she would see Christmas or spring. I am thankful to family and friends to catch her when she needed it, all being proud and concerned. Her friends and family have been unbelievable from the start. The party in Wausau last year opened her eyes to all the love and support that others have for her. Kindness, having others back at times, returned ten fold to her a time she needed most. The love from direct family made her smile during the darkness days in many ways. Sean and kids visiting more, staying at hospital during Whipple, her siblings love going to chemotherapy with her, all made a difference. Nobody was sure of anything at one time.

I’ve notice small but significant things that show me her old cocoon is really shedding. We were out playing frisbee the other day and it reminded doing so before all this. Last weekend there was a big get together for her sister Lori’s birthday at their cabin in DeTour. Bobbi arranged everyone to meet a few miles away so we could drive there and surprise her. Mike, Bobbi’s brother and she escorted everyone in there on the back of Mikes motorcycle. Driving the car behind her and seeing this brought back so many memories of our days flying in the wind. Seeing her smile, hands out stretched like a bird, told me she was on a natural high. Was great seeing her and Mike leaving the way. She also had a great week with her sister Chris. After the party her mother Betty took a fall and shattered her shoulder. After just getting over a hip replacement stairs can be a bit of a challenge and proved to be. We were all very fortunate to have been there when it happened. She’s 84 years old and one tough woman! Was hard to witness.

She met other cancer patients at the hospital at 8:15 every morning. Didn’t miss a day. The drive to Petoskey proceeded. It did her a world of good to connect with others fighting this unforgiving foe. A lot of hours and miles spent bonding. She said none of then talked about cancer. Each day someone brought a snack and they plowed ahead to get treated. She made some lifetime new friends. Her doing this with her younger brother Steve has been good for both of them.So proud of her. That page is now officially turned as of today, and we have sometime to enjoy part of the summer. Her hair is returning and is so soft and pretty. Has curls in it! She looks very attractive. It so nice to see her with the sparkle returning to her eyes.

4 more months of weekly chemotherapy after a few weeks off. It’s a lot. It won’t be easy, but when has it ever? I’m starting to see news signs of change and it’s beautiful. The 4 months going to Karmanos and she will be ringing the bell hanging on the wall there. Surrounded with the many who work there, and get treatment there. Their like family now. Always with a kind smile and words. They share pictures of their kinds and humor is always present. There are very serious moments of course, it is a hospital, but it’s like Norm walking into Cheers. Everyone is happy to see her. I stay back in the woodwork and just watch. Taking everything in.

It was time for a positive post. Cancer is terrible. It’s so far from being black in white. A lot of blurred lines. Yet you push on, knowing some days will suck. I often didn’t know what to say. Simply get her pillow, and the blanket Cinneidi made her and cuddle, knowing it would bring needed sleep to her. Often not saying anything. It’s great being able to gentle rub her hair again and knowing she’s sleeping.

A page has been turned. Eyes are wide open to life. We may never know if she is officially cancer free, doctors are hesitant to declare those words, but she is definitely a survivor. Yesterday is over for all of us! Be it good, bad, or just a lot of work. Now passed. Today is new. People often wonder if they’ll get through something. They can. Maybe not in leaps and bounds, sometimes you have to crawl through it, but you can. There are many distractions each day that try to rob and blind you from the good. We push ourselves, are hard on ourselves. We jump from one project to another. Which is good to a certain point. Just don’t let the years add up wishing for things you already have.

Suicide?

There’s been a lot in the news about it lately. The ultimate goodbye. Every second and every breathe to live is over. Final. There’s no more hurt, physically or emotionally. Done. The one thing they probably all desired is to literally rest in peace. A place never found while alive. Just wanting to be done with all of it. Being alive every 24-hours feels like a torture. The situation or event that caused such pain would be less painfully ending than it would be living.

Many can’t comprehend it. Questions are asked about why and how could someone do that. The human spirit fights with every breath to live. From the time our eyes first know light we are fighting to live it. Some question it when the person is famous and financially set. What problems could they possibly have? They had “everything”. To be alone and seriously making that decision is a face to face meeting with yourself. Do I do it? Or is life suddenly going to get better? Whats it going to be? Live or die?

I know for myself that life’s mountains get pretty damn high. I’m not afraid to say I’ve looked into this mirror. I’ve been able to believe in hope. I think if hope is gone, then life is really over. Some have small threads of hope in their hand, when it may be a rope. And some believe they have a thick rope but in reality it’s thin.

No person alive has “it made”. They are some more fortunate in the life they were born into or worked hard to achieve. Compared to lives struggling to put a roof over their head and knowing the sound of their child’s hunger. But money has nothing to do with the decision.

When I thought about it, really gave it a serious thought was when a sudden disease changed everything. An emergency quadruple open heart surgery led to unexpected complications. It took 3 years of battling, and 28 more less serious surgeries to follow that kicked my ass. I did everything I could to continue to live. Many a night not being sure if I would. The wires and beeping machines dropping fluids into my veins made me question it. I made peace with perhaps not waking up, but it was like I had no options. I had to be a peace with it. A higher power was in charge.

Things improved but life was no where easy for my wife Bobbi and I. We lived a simple and good life. Children, grandchildren, relatives, some good friends. Long work hours long, mortgages, the whole works. When my heart stopped working as it should, most of it, besides family and friends, changed. We thought we could handle anything life threw at us without worrying others. The more surgeries that took place the harder the fight became. We told each other we’d get through it. Bills poured in and slowly removed our life saving. Somehow or another it lead to a new day.

When alone with my thoughts a part of me was tired of physically struggling and swallowing the pain. Maybe it was time to check out? I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. Until someone is in that position it’s hard for them to understand it. Pain makes death inviting. What kept me from checking out was Bobbi and the children. I couldn’t leave Bobbi in the midst of this hardship. I wasn’t ready to never see the ones I loved again. The moments before that ultimate final decision are lonely and silent.

Hope was not given up. Eventually there were more better days than bad. Then out of now where Bobbi is diagnosed with one of the worst cancers a person can get. Pancreatic cancer. Reality was again staring us in the face. What the hell kind of crap is this? What would our future look like in the next days, weeks, and months. My health issue I looked at as dice being tossed. Either it was going to beat me and if it not I had no intentions inviting it.

When Bobbi was diagnosed with her cancer, one which very few comeback from, it changed everything again. There was no way life was dishing out to us this reality. I knew that there was a reason I didn’t cash in my chips before, my wife needed me now more than any other time in her life. I would be with her throughout it all.

We decided to fight forward. I knew Bobbi had the spirit and fight but also knew what the statistics were. Not good. A period of shock was felt by everyone. Nobody was ready for this one. Was I about to lose my wife? The one person I’ve given everything to. Made every plan in the tomorrows with. I felt like I had no other reasons to live if she died. Then the thoughts of the children crept into my thoughts. The loss of both would be a nightmare. I don’t think like that anymore.

Bobbi has continued to battle. Months of chemotherapy. A major surgery, weeks upon weeks of daily radiation. Her weight peeled off her and her hair swirled around the shower drain. Daytime became night and night became day. Clocks were only good for reminding us of future battle days.

The rate people are committing suicide is alarming. In the last years more people have died from this than auto accidents. It doesn’t matter the amounts they have in a bank account are. The type of house they live in or what job they had. Death doesn’t care.

Why do people take their own life? We all feel sadness and despair for all kinds of different reasons at different times. They are far from trivial in what they are if such actions are attractive. Sometimes believe we’re not strong enough to deal with a situation that is known by the feelings of disparity. We are strong enough though.

I understand how heavy life can get. It truly can at times be a torturous existence. We may smile and pretend everything is alright but it’s only a charade. Every night your unsure if you are strongest enough for the day, and throughout the day your question how your ever going to do it. The thoughts get heavier and heavier.

It is an escape. It’s certain not a decision made in a moments time. I believe the first thoughts of it are in a mirror. The mental and emotional anguish that’s felt in our brain, or the physical toll our personal battle is fighting.

We owe it to ourselves, to others that love us unconditional, to tell another when it’s seriously being considered. Our worst days alive haven’t killed us yet so why not believe in just one more day trusting someone enough to talk? You never know how things may suddenly change. Give it one more second, one more hour, one more day.

The national hotline for help is 1-800- 273-8255. Globally, close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year, which is about one person every 40 seconds, according to the World Health Organization. In 2015, more than 78% of those global suicides occurred in low- and middle-income countries.

Bobbi has finished 26 sessions of radiation as of today and we are excited to soon be finished. Another 4 months of chemo. We’re doing good and battling whatever life throws at us.